One Amazing Lady

      Holidays are always the hardest.  Easter is coming up in only a few days and I have been struggling for weeks now. 
      I have been blessed with many amazing people in my life.  I can honestly say that without them I couldn't have made through half of my life.  One person in particular always stands apart in my mind: Lammy. Lams was never the ordinary grandmother- she helped my mom raise me and did much more of her fair share.  She still played up the grandmother role, but to me Lammy was my second mom.  I went to her for everything- be it school, cooking, knitting, family/friend troubles, and especially relationship troubles as I got older. She was always there for me- she definitely might not have agreed with all of it, but she was there.
    Lammy passed away on November 23, 2009.  I had recently started dating Dylan and I knew very early on that dating him would be life changing.  I remember talking to Lammy on the phone and telling her about Dylan, about how different he was than all the others, and how I knew that he was going to change my life.  She listened to me as always  and I could almost hear her smiling through the phone.  Dylan and I visited Lammy in the rehab center (to help her after her many hospital visits) and they hit it off. Dylan talked about his grandmother and life in Kentucky, Lammy talked about life in Ohio and I think they were pleasantly surprised by how much they had in common.  A nurse brought in her lunch and she made a "rat nose". They gave her the wrong juice. Dylan hopped up and asked what kind of juice she wanted, "cranberry" she replied, and out the door he went on a search for cranberry juice. I turned to look at Lammy and said, "well...what do you think?" Right as she was about to answer Dylan came in the door carrying a big cup of cranberry juice, as he set it down in front of her and turned around to come sit next to me, Lammy gave a big smile and a thumbs up.  That's all I needed. My family was never as sure of Dylan as I was- "give it some time, Katie" "it's too early to tell" "you really think you are going to marry him? just wait until you go long distance- you'll find out pretty quick". As disheartening as all those statements were (and I got them constantly), I just let them roll off my back- I had the only approval I wanted- and that was Lammy's thumbs up. 
     I was in spanish class when I found out.  I checked my phone to see what time it was and noticed that my mom had called multiple times, then a text message: "call me back as soon you get this".  She didn't even have to tell me- my heart had already dropped into my stomach.  I remember walking out of the classroom right in the middle of lecture and going straight into the stairwell.  "Mom?" "Honey, its time.  You need to come home...it's Lammy." "What? I just talked to her a couple of days ago.." "The doctors say that there isn't much time left." I broke down.  I always thought of Lammy not just as a grandmother, but as a mom.  I was just told that my Lammy, my other "mom" was going to die.  I called Dylan, sobbing and told him that I needed him to pick me up.  I walked back into my classroom, packed up my stuff, told my professor that I didn't know when I would be back, and left.  Dylan picked me up a few minutes later and held my hand the entire way to my apartment.  "I am driving you up there." "What? But you have class" "I don't care. This is more important." He walked me up the stairs of my townhouse and packed my bag for me as I talked to my Dad for the first time in months.  Back in the car we went- Dylan holding my hand and me sobbing.
     We walked in the hospital- I knew that place too well.  We walked up the stairs and saw my family- Papa turned around and got up, shook Dylan's hand "thank you, Dylan for bringing her home." I went into Lammy's room. "Katie, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in school?" A mom as always.  "No Lams, its break. I came to see you!" I held her hand and we talked about everything. That wouldn't be the first time I was called home and Dylan came with me each and every time.  I'm not sure how many times we went back and forth.  I barely remember my fall of junior year.  All I know is that I would have never survived it had it not been for Dylan, Patti, and Kirsten.
     Lams finally came back home, but we knew she wouldn't be with us for long. Hospice told us that she would make it through the holidays.  It was Thanksgiving week- Lams was doing fairly well with eating, but still getting weaker.  Hospice was staying full-time around the clock.
     November 22, 2009.  All she wanted was some cream of wheat with a little sugar in it.  I sat in the room with her, feeding her spoonfuls of cream of wheat.  With each bite she gave a little smirk and "mmmm".  Then it hit me.  I knew that it would be the last time I would ever see her.  I'm not sure why I thought that, but I knew that it was her last day.  I brought in a cherry popsicle and started asking questions.  I realized that this was the time to ask because I would never be able to again.  "Lams, how many stitches do you cast on for a baby's blanket?" "161".  "How do you potty train a baby? What age do you start?" "Around 2. Every three hours stick them on the pot and don't let them get up until they have done something." "Lams, what if  I have a picky eater? How do I deal with that?" "Starve them out- you are not a short order cook." My family began to dissipate and it was only me, Lams, Papa, and Ryan left.  It was time to head out, but I couldn't bring myself to leave her.  I needed the time with her.  I held her hand and memorized the way it felt- her once strong hands were now feeble, but still as soft as always.  I memorized how her hair smelled like baby powder, her voice, everything about her. I told her that I loved her...constantly; then I left.  The next morning my mom got a phone call and rushed out the door. I knew what that meant.  Lammy was in a final coma.  I took Ryan out to eat at Mimi's. He had been through enough the past few months and I wanted him to open up and talk- holding everything in isn't healthy.  The phone rang.  I looked down and saw that it was mom.  That same feeling I had in the stairwell was back.  I picked up the phone and didn't say a word. "Katie? She is gone honey."
       I can't remember the next few days.  I drove down to Tech, but I don't remember actually driving.  I stayed for the weekend, then Dylan and I drove back for Lammy's funeral.  We got to the viewing a little late.  To be honest, Dylan had to talk me into driving back up to NOVA.  I didn't want to go.  We got to the funeral home and Dylan couldn't bring himself to go in- he couldn't handle seeing her.  I understood that more than he ever knew.  I didn't want to be there in the first place.  One of the arguments always used against Dylan was that "no one would ever forget me walking into the funeral home alone with Dylan sitting in the car." As much as I was tired of hearing arguments against him, I didn't care.  Each time someone brought/brings that up I just want to scream at them: "want to know what I will NEVER forget? I will never forget how he drove me 5 hours to see my dying grandmother; I will never forget how he stayed with me for weeks, sacrificing his grades and forgoing the ability to graduate in December like he was supposed to; I will never forget how he held my hand the entire way through the hardest part of all of this: the month before she passed away; I will never forget Dylan building the tv stand for the living room so she could watch tv, setting up everything to make sure it would work; I will never forget him bringing dinners to my family because we could barely do it for ourselves; I will never forget him getting up at 5 am and driving to walmart because he realized that no one bought deionized water for Lammy's breathing machine; I will never forget him holding her hand and talking with her when everyone wanted a break for lunch etc.  So before you even start nitpicking at the ONE THING he didn't do- try looking at all the things he did and take your head out of your ass." The viewing and funeral were a blur. The one thing I do remember was seeing Lammy, smirking to myself and thinking, "oh Lams...you would be so pissed right now if you could see what they did to your face."  I know they tried to make her look like herself, but at that point I realized- that woman wasn't Lammy.  I also remember Aunt Teeny (Lammy's sister) saying, "why couldn't it be me, instead?" then her daughter, Joan, making quite possibly the funniest remark of the night: "well Mom, it's cause the devil don't want chya and the Good Lord isn't ready for ya yet."   Needless to say, we all got a good laugh at that one. 
     Easter is a few days away and Lammy is constantly on my mind.  I remember her laughing at the stuffed Easter bunny she bought that's cheeks lit up as it shook with laughter then finally saying "that tickles" which of course we always joked that it said "bad pickles."  I remember her filling all the plastic Easter eggs with candy and Papa hiding them in the backyard.  I remember her making me eat the Easter ham- her never letting up and me gagging down each bite (disturbing, yet a very fond memory).  I remember her bringing out the Easter baskets and smiling as all of our eyes lit up to see the huge baskets, overflowing with Easter candy and little gifts. 
    This is Dylan and my first Easter together- we are celebrating with Dylan's family on Saturday and then just the two of us on Sunday.  Now I have hundreds of questions to ask.  Since I still refuse to eat ham, how long do I need to let the roast thaw before Easter? What kind of string do I use to tie it up? How did you hide all the Easter stuff from Papa so that he couldn't see what you got him as I am trying to hide all of the Easter stuff from Dylan.. What type of chocolate bunny did you always put on the Easter cake? Where did the Easter cake come from? How do you make the cheesy potatoes?  I am trying so hard to bring back what Easter used to be like before Lammy passed away.  So far our Easter schedule is: church, breakfast, giving each other the Easter baskets, making a big dinner, and maybe having a movie marathon in the middle of it all.  All I know is that I wish I had my Lams to guide me through it all.  I want to be just like her and those are pretty big shoes to fill.
    Dylan and I are getting married in a little over 100 days.  I know Lams will be there in spirit, but I wish she could be there in person to see me walk down the aisle.  My bouquet will be wrapped in the fabric and lace from her wedding dress and my something borrowed is her kerchief, still stained with her lipstick, that she used on her wedding day.  Of course with this comes a million other questions- "do we capitalize the year on the invitations? do we write honor or honour?"
     Lammy was one amazing lady.  Everything she did was always performed with style and grace and I hope to God I can be even half as amazing as she.  I miss you, Lams.

"Is it whole wheat?"... "No but its wholey delicious"

I just got back from a week in NOVA.  Whats funny is that I find more a culture shock going back to NOVA than moving from NOVA to Arizona.  It was great seeing everyone, planning ridiculous amounts of wedding stuff, and simply enjoying spending time with my mom.  I will admit though, I was giddy once I got back to AZ- especially after the horrendous flight.  I was supposed to get back to AZ by 7:15, Dylan would cook dinner, and we were supposed to have a date night.  Well my flight from IAD to DFW arrived on time.  I got off the plane, got on the train to the A terminal and realized that I had to board the next plane in 3 minutes. Yay for sprinting through Dallas airport! Anyways right when I got to the gate they said the gate had been moved [insert more sprinting here] when I got to the new gate it said the flight was delayed for an hour. Crap. My phone had died earlier but luckily I had enough juice to text Dylan: DELAYED PICK UP 8.  Well boarding at 7:05 changed to boarding at 7:45.  Once we all got on the plane we found out that someone had taken something off of it and we had to wait to get the instrument back. Once the tool was delivered we had to re-fuel.  Two hours later we took off.  The flight should have taken 1 hr 59 minutes... 2 1/2 hours later (because of storms in the midwest) and after the captain saying "to our right it arkansas" then an hour or so later "we are currently over mexico"...we touched down in my beautiful Tucson :)

115 more days until we get married! August 7th here we come!

The current bafflement of the Scott/White household is the mysterious stain that appears on almost all of Dylan's work shirts.  It looks like oil but I have washed them several times and the stains are just not budging.  If Lams were still alive I would be calling her in a heartbeat because being superwoman, Lams knew how to get ANYTHING out of clothes- no matter how long the stain had set etc. 

This morning Dylan and I sat down to whole wheat blueberry pancakes :) A few minutes later I noticed that Dylan spilled a little maple syrup on his shirt.  Goodbye shirt no.1.  He went into our bedroom and came out with his favorite white shirt on then noticed that the mysterious stain was on it. Off with shirt number two.  At this point he was getting pretty frustrated and Lord knows I was getting irritated to see that another shirt had been compromised by the infamous stain.  I sat on our bed trying to get a better idea about what said stain could be.  While putting on shirt no.3, Dylan spoke of his frustration with going through two shirts before the day had even started and was interrupted by a pop, then "dammnit!".  I looked up to see Dylan throwing the shirt on the ground and heading back into closet for shirt no.4 (a button had popped off). At this point I started howling which made Dylan shake his head and begin to laugh.

Just one of those days :)